“Hi, Welcome to Riotous Night Out Restaurant. I’m Tiffany and I’ll be your peaceful protest leader tonight. Would either of you white privileged systemic racists like to start with an appetizer?”
“Wait. Didn’t this used to be Guido’s Grille?”
“Shh. I’ll have the Violent-Agitators-Screaming-in-my-Face-Special.”
“Would you like that with or without face masks?”
“With, of course.”
“An excellent choice. And for you, Oppressor?”
“I suppose I’ll do the ‘Overturned Tables Truffle.’”
“Very good. I’ll be back for your main course.”
“Have they done something with the menu? It seems different somehow. And I really don’t remember dining being like this before. It used to be so relaxing and … well, peaceful, in the one-time meaning of the word.”
“Quiet. Behave yourself. She’s back.”
“Have you Rich White Folks decided on main courses? We’ll start with ‘Karen’ over here.”
“Yes. I’ll have the ‘Give-Us-Our-S***-or-We’ll-Shut-It-Down’ Spaghetti Dinner.”
“Mmm hmm. That comes with ‘It’s-Reparations-Time, Motherf*****!’ Rolls.”
“All right. How about you, Patriarchist?”
“How is the ‘Raise-Your-Fist-or-Else’ Souffle?”
“Utterly terrifying. That comes with a ‘Get-the-F***-Out’ Salad and ‘F***-the-Police’ Pork Pie.”
“Thank you. I’ll be back in a few minutes with my mob.”
“I don’t know what we’re doing wrong by going out for dinner. I thought we were helping the economy and especially local businesspeople, plus providing people jobs.”
“Don’t you understand what a racist, privileged statement that was? We’re not giving people anything, we’re exploiting them by appropriating the fruits of their labor and then expecting them to pay for things they’ve actually made or provided. Which is why rioting and looting is justifiable and at least gives them something to eat.”
“They eat Gucci shoes and electronics?”
“Now I’m starting to feel guilty for being here. Like I should take a knee or something.”
“Do you hear yourself? Is that red stuff you’re drinking Kool-Aid?”
“Hush. She’s back again. With a bunch of people wearing black.”
“Here’s your … wait a minute. What’s that red thing you’re trying to hide behind you in the chair? Is that a … MAGA hat?”
“Uh,.. uh … uh.”
(Mob chanting.) “F*** Trump! F*** Trump! F*** Trump! F*** Trump!”
“Do you folks know any words that don’t start with ‘F’?”
“Black Lives Matter!” “Black Lives Matter!” “Black Lives Matter!”
“But you’re almost all white.”
(Mob chanting, in his face now.) “Silence is Violence! Silence is Violence!”
“Hmmm. You caught the MAGA hat, but you might have missed the initials on my jacket: NRA. You’re sure violence is so silent?”
Does (C)M perhaps believe statements from Andrew Cuomo’s recent press conference make the legendary truth-stretching pitchman Joe Isuzu look like Honest Abe? Judge for yourselves:
“New Yorkers are doing a better job than any state in the United States of America (on COVID) — period.”
(New York still has twice as many deaths from COVID as any other state.)
"Donald Trump caused the COVID outbreak in New York. That is a fact. It’s a fact that he admitted, and the CDC admitted, and Fauci admitted.”
(None of these parties mentioned has come remotely close to admitting such a thing. In contrast, in April, Cuomo did admit, “We underestimated this virus. It's more powerful. It's more dangerous than we expected.")
“In mid-March the federal government does the travel ban from Europe. Too little too late, Mr. President.”
(At the beginning of March, which probably was already "too late," Cuomo was still telling New Yorkers the general risk from COVID in the state "remains low.")
“Trump is actively trying to kill New York City. It’s personal…. now they won’t provide the federal funding to help repair the damage from the ambush they created.”
(Among COVID assistance to New York already listed by the Administration as of April 24:
“(Trump) passed SALT (capping of state and local tax deductions), which was targeted just at New York City tax reform.”
(Oh? So it had nothing to do with the almost $80 billion in tax expenditures saved in year one? Or that the deduction was primarily used by upper-income taxpayers soaked by jurisdictions like New York, as earners above $100,000, representing 18% of filers, accounted for almost 80% of deductions?)
“He's refused to fund the extension of the Second Avenue Subway from 96th to 125th Street. Every prior administration has funded the Second Avenue Subway.”
(Actually, in the past, the President has signaled his support for the Second Avenue Subway, though no one has ever explained why virtuous telecommuters like (C)M living inexpensively in Florida should be called upon to fund billions in spending for New Yorkers. Mr. Cuomo is now seeking a further bailout from the ravages of his coronavirus lockdowns on the New York City transit budget, on top of the nearly $4 billion in CARES Act funding already received by the Metropolitan Transit Agency.)
“He won't rebuild the tunnels between New York and New Jersey that are dangerous. They're Amtrak tunnels.”
(It’s not “he,” meaning the President. The Federal Transit Administration ruled that the states had not shown they could come up with their share of the financing. A decision that seems more and more prescient given the "Luv Guv’s" perpetual begging for bailouts.)
“This weekend, they stopped FEMA funding from cleaning schools and trains.”
(Maybe because, as FEMA explained, operating schools and trains doesn’t qualify as “emergencies” for an agency also dealing with devastating hurricane and fire damage.)
“This is a war on cities: New York City, Portland, Chicago.”
(More of a war than the looters and criminals those cities’ mayors and state governors have allowed run wild?)
MAGA hat, MAGA hat,
Cool American flag-a hat
Yes, Trump can be a drag-n-that
Still bought me a MAGA hat.
MAGA hat, MAGA hat,
Made me buy a MAGA hat.
MAGA hat, MAGA hat,
Promises kept brag-a-hat
Tax cuts, Israel swag-a-hat
That and more: hence - MAGA hat.
MAGA hat, MAGA hat,
Drive the liberals gaga hat
Blown minds zig-a zag-a hat
In your face: my MAGA hat.
MAGA hat, MAGA hat,
Cancel culture tag-ya hat,
My career may stagga hat
Don’t care: got my MAGA hat.
MAGA hat, MAGA hat,
Stop it with that nag-a hat
If your fingers wag at that
Your problem’s not my MAGA hat.
Headline: “Biden pins school reopening chaos on Trump” (Politico)
Headline: “Biden criticizes violence while blaming Trump for fomenting it” (The Hill)
(C)M has learned from internal sources that the Biden-Harris campaign and other Democrats intend to build on their recent strategy of blaming nearly every concern facing America – including those caused by left-wing groups associated with and promoted by Democrats over many decades and opposed by the current administration – on Donald Trump.
Among the calamities the Democrats intend to pin on The President in consolidating their entire platform behind their new slogan, “It’s Trump’s Fault:”
In the wake of its chyron below Kenosha reports – “FIERY BUT MOSTLY PEACEFUL PROTESTS AFTER POLICE SHOOTING” – (C)M brings you earlier CNN footers throughout history:
“DEVIOUS BUT OTHERWISE FRIENDLY TEMPTATION CAUSES MANKIND’S FALL”
“JEALOUS BUT MOSTLY BROTHERLY SLAYING OF ABEL BY CAIN”
“DEVASTATING BUT MOSTLY LOW-POLLUTION GLOBAL DESTRUCTION FROM FLOOD”
“TREACHEROUS BUT SINCERE STABBING OF CAESAR BY BRUTUS AND CONSPIRATORS”
“COWARDLY BUT VERY CLEAN-HANDED PILATE SENDS CHRIST TO CROSS”
“VENAL BUT VERY MUSICAL NERO WATCHES CITY BURN”
“BARBARIC BUT RATHER TALL AND ATHLETIC VISIGOTHS SACK ROME”
“MERCILESS BUT BASICALLY EFFICIENT MASSACRES UNDER GENGHIS KHAN”
“VIRULENT BUT LARGELY POPULATION-CONTROLLING BLACK DEATH SWEEPS EUROPE”
“SADISTIC BUT VERY POINTED VLAD PUTS TRANSYLVANIA ON EDGE”
“BLAZING BUT MOSTLY TOASTY END FOR JOAN OF ARC AFTER TRIAL”
“DEMENTED BUT DEEPLY RELIGIOUS TORQUEMADA OVERSEES INQUISITION TORTURE”
“HYSTERICAL BUT ‘BY-THE-BOOK’ WITCH TRIALS AFTER TEENAGERS’ ACCUSATIONS”
“RADICAL BUT RAZOR-SHARP GUILLOTINE EXECUTIONS IN FRENCH REIGN OF TERROR”
“HOMICIDAL BUT CORRECT PURGES UNDER UNCLE JOE STALIN”
“HARSH BUT ORDERLY MANAGEMENT OF JEWISH POPULATION IN GERMANY”
“DEPRAVED BUT EGALITARIAN GENOCIDE IN CAMBODIAN KILLING FIELDS”
“INTENSE BUT SPIRITED CULTURAL REVOLUTION IN CHINA”
“CRUEL BUT FUN-LOVING EXECUTION BY AIRCRAFT LAUNCHER IN NORTH KOREA”
“LIBERAL BUT THOROUGHLY SELF-PARODYING COVERAGE BY CABLE NETWORK”
Following Andrew Cuomo's Tome on COVID-19 Response, (C)M Presents Additional Book Titles for the Fall
News Item: Gov. Andrew Cuomo book on COVID-19 response out in October. Title: “American Crisis: Leadership Lessons from the COVID-19 Pandemic.”
Also coming out this fall:
From Joe Biden: “Character is on the Ballot: And If You Don’t Support Me, You Ain’t Black and You’re Probably a Horrible Person.”
From Kamala Harris: “It Was a Debate! How to Join the Ticket of a Person You’ve Called a Racist and a Sexual Predator.”
From Barack Obama: “Custodian of Democracy: From the President with the Pen and a Phone Who Brought You DACA, the IRS Scandal, Fast and Furious, Illegal Obamacare Funding, Unconstitutional Recess Appointments, the Unlawful Clean Power Plan and Cap and Trade, and Of Course, Criminal Spying on a Presidential Campaign and a Duly Elected Successor.”
From Elizabeth Warren: “The New Pow Wow Chow Cookbook: Ha, Ha. The DNC Still Thinks I’m Native American.”
From Bill Clinton: “Bringing Chaos to the Oval Office: Pointers from the Expert.”
From Hillary Clinton: “America Needs Unity More Than Ever: You Bunch of Deplorables.”
From Bill De Blasio: “It’s About the People: Doesn’t Everyone’s Wife Have a $2 Million Staff Funded by City Taxpayers in the Middle of a Pandemic?”
From Nancy Pelosi: #DontMessWithUSPS: Never Let an Imaginary Crisis Go to Waste.”
From Gavin Newsom: “This Cannot Stand: The Blackouts Can’t Possibly Stem from My Mindless Renewables Policy.”
From Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler: “’Attempting to Commit Murder:’ Standing Tall After Letting Arsonists and Looters Literally ‘Run Riot’ for Weeks.”
From Steve Bannon: “Build the Wall… and My Wallet.”
Condo dwellers in an upscale neighborhood in Seattle socializing on their roof:
“This is the life.”
“What a wonderful, peaceful part of town.”
“So great that we can enjoy it together.”
Suddenly, from down in the street:
“Hey guys, do you know that you are living in a historically black neighborhood right now?”
“Do you know that before your white a$$ came here this was all black people?”
“Do you know that people like you came in here and basically bought all the land from the black people less than what it was worth, kicked them out so you could live here? Do you know that? Cause if you don’t, now you f**kin do so do something about it.”
“Symbolic gestures? We don’t want that s#!t anymore, we want land…give back the land to the people that need it,”
“Give up your house. Give black people back their homes. You’re sitting there comfortably—comfortable as f**k as if you didn’t help gentrify this neighborhood.”
“Gentrifiers get the f**k out and give us our s s#!t back…Give it back! We’re coming for you. Reparations time.”
Condo owners to each other: “I guess we had better leave and give these homes and land back to the black people.”
One year later, the new condo owners to each other while partying on the same roof:
“Hey, this is really nice s#!t.”
“What a happening ‘hood.”
“So cool that we could guilt those white folks into giving it back so we could hang up here together.”
Suddenly, from down in the street:
“Hey bros, do you know that you are living in a historic settlement area right now?”
“Do you know that before your rears came here this was all farmers, loggers, lumber mill owners and workers and maritime folks who risked everything to make new lives here and establish the city?”
“Do you know that people like you came in here as employees of the shipyards our ancestors built and gave them jobs so you could live here? Do you know that? Cause if you don’t, now you f**kin do so do something about it.”
“Symbolic gestures? We don’t want that s#!t anymore, we want land…give back the land to the people that established this town.”
“Give up your house. Give people back their homes. You’re sitting there comfortably—comfortable as f**k as if you didn’t come in here and prosper off what others built.”
“Activists, get the f**k out and give us our s s#!t back…Give it back! We’re coming for you.”
New condo owners to each other: “I guess we had better leave and give these homes and land back to the people whose ancestors helped establish it.”
One year later, the new new condo owners at a get-together on the roof:
“These really are fantastic digs.”
“And every night it’s party-hearty.”
“Hey. We deserve it. Our families built this town.”
Suddenly, from down in the street:
“Hey bros, do you know that you are living in an area that used to belong to the Suquamish and Duwamish peoples?”
“Do you know that before your white a$$ came here, the Duwamish people had lived here continuously going all the way back to 8000 BC – 10,000 years ago? Like since the glaciers?”
“Yeah. Ever hear of Chief Seattle? He was one of our people. Do you know that? Cause if you don’t, now you f**kin do so do something about it.”
“Symbolic gestures? We don’t want that s#!t anymore, we want land…give back the land to the people who first lived here.”
“Give up your house. Give people back their homes. You’re sitting there comfortably—comfortable as f**k as if you didn’t come in here and steal our land with your fake treaties.”
“Settlers, get the f**k out and give us our s s#!t back…Give it back! We’re coming for you.”
New condo owners to each other: “I guess we had better leave and give these homes and land back to the people who first lived here. They have the real claim.”
One year later, the new new new condo owners having their own party on the roof:
“It’s about time Native peoples got some justice – and a nice place to live.”
“This really is a nice neighborhood.”
“And we really were here first. So it should be ours.”
Suddenly, from down in the street:
“Hey, my children. Did you know that before your people settled in this area, someone else was here? Or maybe you’re not familiar with the passage, ‘In the beginning, God created….’ I seem to recall something about a Flood sometime after.”
“In other words, before you get too comfortable, remember: there’s always a Prior Claim.”
Photo Credit: Seattle Municipal Archives (CC BY 2.0)
I think that I could never ask
A poem nicer than a mask
A mask against my visage prest
My nostrils ‘neath its pinching crest.
A mask that looks so fine all day,
And smothers mouth and nasal spray;
A mask I may all Summer wear
Concealing my gray goatee hair;
On whose expanse so clean and plain
Emblazoned is my county’s name.
“Combatting Covid’s” quite a task,
But only Palm Beach would mail a mask.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s Pete Sake with Sharon DeScoop, live from the evening wear competition of the Ms. VP beauty contest!”
“Thanks, Pete, and here’s Kamala Harris, clad in 1970s schoolgirl chic. And what’s that in her hand? A bus pass! Clever accessorizing.”
“Congresswoman Karen Bass is next, Sharon. Sporting her sharp, signature Che Guevara partisan look. A wild cheer from the Venceremos Brigade contingent as she waves her beret and blows a kiss.”
“Here’s studious Susan Rice, Pete, rocking a classic Hillary Clinton-style pantsuit and her briefing folder, looking ready to make the round of Sunday news shows with the lowdown on the next Benghazi.”
“Now strutting across the stage, Sharon, is Val Demings, decked out in full, form-fitting police uniform, teasingly swinging her nightstick and cuffs. What red-blooded American male isn’t fantasizing about those? I’m sure Creepy Uncle Joe is, and that her hair smells delightful.”
“And wowee, it’s Elizabeth Warren, fashionably garbed in full Cherokee regalia. The VP selection would certainly be a feather in her headdress.”
“Oh, my, Pete! It’s the spectacular Stacey Abrams! Silhouetted in glowing light! Flowing dark pants, a flattering light top, a sheer cape completing the heavenly visage. Pandemonium ensues as she walks to the far left of the stage, like a runway supermodel, stops on a dime, poses, tilts her head slightly and smiles. Camera flashes explode. She next pivots and walks slowly to the center of the stage, freezes there and repeats the pose. Again, the flashes explode.”
“Be still, my heart! Almost too much to take, Sharon, unless you’re a far-left Washington Post reporter, but then I’m being redundant. Now on to the interviews."
"Ms. Harris. Why should Joe Biden choose you?”
“I will tell you that on this subject … It’s very personal to me. It cannot be an intellectual debate among Democrats. We have to act swiftly and choose me… I mean, choose wisely. Back in the 1970s, there was a little girl in California thinking about becoming the first woman Vice President, and how she could slee … I mean work her way to the top. That little girl was me. But I have to say it was 'just politics' to smear Vice President Biden as a racist ... and that ‘That Little Girl Was Me’ T-shirts are back up on my website for the discounted price of …”
“Thank you, Senator Harris. Congresswoman Bass, you’ve faced criticism for your leadership in a Castro-ite cadre, obsequious reference to the murderous dictator as ‘commandante en jefe,’ praise for Scientology, and links to the Nation of Islam. Does Mr. Biden dare to choose you?”
“I’m not a socialist. I’m not a communist. I’ve belonged to one party my entire life and that’s the Democratic Party, though admittedly it’s hard to distinguish those organizations these days. I have talked to my colleagues in the House, and the ‘commandante’ reference is certainly something that I would not say again… and never would have in the first place if I thought there was the remotest chance I’d be considered for veep.”
“Ambassador Rice, what are your qualifications to be a heartbeat from the presidency?”
“Let me be sure of my carefully vetted talking points here – my enormous successes heading off genocide at the 1990s State Department Rwanda desk and managing Syria red lines as National Security Advisor. But most important, I can assure you Joe Biden has made it clear that every aspect of every issue will be handled ‘by the book.’”
“That’s certainly comforting. Representative Demings, choosing a former cop would seem to swim against the ‘defund-the-police’ tide now sweeping your party. “
“The growing divide between our men and women in blue and the public is great for anti-Trump Democrats – I mean unhealthy for democracy and unhealthy for public safety. We must encourage – I mean, heed the call of the millions rallying, protesting, and crying out for justice and follow through on reforms that improve policing and make our country safer… for rioters, looters and Democratic politicians.”
“Certainly a unique perspective. Senator Warren: given that Joe Biden will be 78 on Inauguration Day, aren’t you a little old at 70 to be his running mate – not to mention too liberal?”
“I have a plan for that, just as I have a plan to tackle the climate crisis head-on, fix our broken healthcare system, ensure racial and economic justice and opportunity for all, and cancel student loan debt on the first day of my … I mean Joe’s presidency. And my plan is every day to share all my plans and plans for plans with Joe. That should leave him sufficiently overwhelmed and befuddled to stay out of my way long enough to saddle ‘the rich’ with $50 trillion or so in new debt.”
“Remind me not to get rich. Now, Ms. Abrams … should Americans support for vice president a woman who hasn’t had a real job in years, has no international experience, ran an unsuccessful gubernatorial campaign while laden down with nearly quarter million in debt and back taxes partially attributed to ‘race and gender,’ and blamed her loss with no evidence on ‘disenfranchisement of thousands of voters’ and a ‘miasma of voter suppression?’”
“First, do you have my good side here? I just have to say modestly that I would make an excellent running mate based on 25 years in independent study of foreign policy and my two years as the real governor of Georgia. Not to mention that it would be a real concern if the Biden campaign judges don’t choose a woman of color – meaning me.”
“Thank you. Sharon, here is the moment we’ve all been dreading … I mean, anticipating. Opening the envelope…. the winner of the Ms. VP beauty contest is … huh? Michelle Obama?”
“You were expecting maybe Tom Eagleton?”
It would not be proper, for some reasons, to trouble the reader with the particulars of our adventures; let it suffice to inform him/her/zim, that in our passage through the treacherous waters of modern-day politicks, we were driven by violent storms to the South-East up the Avenue of Penn’s Woods to a large edifice upon a Hill.
When we arrived, I attempted to speak, but was not able to utter a word: for, as I happened to sit at my table, I found my words were strongly countered on all sides. I could only stare upwards in disbelief; the camera lights began to grow hot, and the sound offended my ears.
I heard a confused noise about me; in a little time I saw some things alive sitting at a sort of dais; when, bending my eyes upwards, I perceived it to be a political creature not six inches high in reputation and skills (and not much more in actual stature), with a oratorical bow and arrow in his hands, and a quiver at his back.
In the mean time, I perceived several more of the same kind (as I conjectured) following the first. I was in the utmost astonishment, and answered so calmly and intelligently, that they in turn fell silent; and some of them, as I was afterwards told, were hurt with the effort of trying to understand my simple reasoning.
However, one of them, lifting up his hands and eyes by way of condemnation, cried out in a nasal but distinct voice, “Face coverings!” the others repeated the same words several times, but then I knew not what they meant.
I sat all this while, as the reader may believe, in great uneasiness. At length, struggling to get a word in edgewise, I had the fortune to break through the noise, and wrench out the demagoguery that fastened to the questioners.
Whereupon there was a great shout in a very shrill accent, and after it ceased I heard one of them cry aloud “Systemic racism.” I thought it the most prudent method to sit still, and my design was to continue so till noon, when, I felt, I could easily excuse myself: and as for the combatants, I had reason to believe I might be a match for the greatest army they could bring against me, if they were all of the same limited brainpower with him that I saw.
But fortune disposed otherwise of me. That one of them, who seemed to be a person of obesity, made me a long speech, whereof I understood not one syllable. But I should have mentioned, that before the principal person began his oration, he cried out for some inexplicable reason, “Shame on you!” (these words and the former were afterwards repeated and explained to me).
He appeared to be of an older age, and shorter than any of the others who attended him, and seemed to be barely longer than my middle finger (which I several times considered extending) IQ-wise. He acted every part of an orator, and I could observe many periods of threatenings. I answered in a few words, but in the most submissive manner, lifting up my left hand, and both my eyes to the camera lights, as calling him for a witness; and being almost famished with hunger, having not eaten a morsel for some hours before I left the Avenue, I found the demands of nature so strong upon me, that I could not forbear showing my impatience (perhaps against the strict rules of decency) by asking for a recess, to signify that I wanted food.
The Chairman (for so they call a great lord, as I afterwards learnt) understood me very well. He condescended from the stage, and commanded that I nevertheless continue.
When in an instant I felt above a hundred rhetorical arrows discharged on my left ear, which, pricked me like so many needles; and besides, they shot another flight into the air, as rioters do bombs in Portland, whereof many, I suppose, fell on my presence, (though I felt them not). When this shower of words was over, I fell a smirking with exasperation and annoyance; and then striving again to get a response in, they discharged another volley larger than the first, and some of them attempted with spears of feigned indignation to stick me in the sides; but by good luck I had on a modicum of logic, which they could not pierce.
After some time, there appeared before me a person of some congressional rank. Her “excellency” spoke about five minutes without any signs of anger, but with a kind of false prosecutorial-style resolution, often leaning forwards. I answered in few words, but to no purpose. It appeared that she understood me well enough, for she shook her head by way of disapprobation, and held her head in a posture to show that I must be silent as if a prisoner, and actually accused me of disrespect.
I confess I was often tempted, while they were passing backwards and forwards over my attempts to answer their feeble inquiries, to seize four or five of the mental dwarfs that came in my reach, and dash them against the ground. But the remembrance of what I had felt, which probably might not be the worst they could do, and the promise of honour I made them—for so I interpreted my oath—soon drove out these imaginations.
Besides, I now considered myself as bound by the laws of decorum, not to these but to an American people who had entrusted me with so much authority and responsibility. However, in my thoughts I could not sufficiently wonder at the intrepidity of these diminutive minds, who durst venture to mount and speak over my answers, without trembling at the very sight of so prodigious an intellect as I must appear to them.
Soon after I heard a general shout, with frequent repetitions of the words “peaceful protesters;” and I perceived great numbers of people on my left side releasing nonsense words to such a degree that I was certain they were posturing for the evening news. These circumstances, added to the harassment I had received, disposed me to leave. I endured about eight news cycles of condemnation; and it was no wonder, for the news media, by the chairman’s example, had mingled sleepy and repetitive talking points into their coverage.
Photo Credit: DonkeyHotey CC BY 2.0, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/legalcode, caricature combined with public domain
Your (Conservative) Maestro has been around for a really long time orchestrating messaging and communications strategy for politicians, CEOs and other assorted types. He thinks he may have picked up a few things along the way.