"Umpire" John Roberts Calls Balls and Strikes

Chief Justice John Roberts at his confirmation hearings:

                “Judges are like umpires. Umpires don't make the rules; they apply them….
             I will remember that it's my job to call balls and strikes and not to pitch or bat.”

                                                                      * * *
 
“Well, Jock, here we finally are on Opening Day of the long-delayed MLB season.” 
 
“Yes, Bill, the players have been really chomping at the bit to finally get their chance to pitch or bat.”
 
“We’re about to get going, and behind the plate, calling balls and strikes, we have the umpiring crew chief, John Roberts.
 
“On the mound is Democratic ace Barack Obama. He’s in the windup, he’s letting loose with his Obamacare Special and it’s just a bit outside … a bit of movie humor there… all the way back to the screen for ball … Wait! Roberts called it a strike!”
 
“Are you kidding me? That ball was a mile off the plate!”
 
“The batter is giving Roberts the business, and the Chief's mask is off now – he’s gesturing, it appears he’s saying that he’s redefined the other batter’s box as part of the strike zone. I guess to make it ‘taxing’ for the hitter.”
 
“The dugout is going crazy, and who can blame them? Redefining the strike zone to rescue the pitcher? I guess that’s one way of ‘applying the rules.’”
 
“Well, we’re in the bottom of the inning now, and Team Trump’s Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross has taken the hill. Here’s his first offering. It’s a down-the-heart-of-the-plate Census-citizenship-question fastball for strike … Oh my! Roberts says it’s a ball!”
 
“Now the catcher and Ross are asking Roberts where the pitch is.”
 
“Well, it appears now that the crew chief is maintaining that the ball was in the heart of the zone and a legal strike but that he didn’t think Ross displayed the right attitude in offering that particular pitch.”
 
“What kind of an explanation is that?”
 
“None we’ve ever heard before. Whoa, talk about attitude, he’s thrown Ross out of the game. Well, now the Attorney General is ascending the mound. He’s taken his warmup pitches and lets it fly… it’s a straight change defense of the meaning of ‘sex’ in the 1965 Civil Rights Act. The batter takes a YUGE cut and misses for strike… Hold on, Roberts points to ump Neil Gorsuch at first, and Gorsuch says no swing!” 
 
“Bill, the entire dugout is on its feet screaming. I’ve never seen anything like this.”
 
“We’re getting an explanation from the league office in Washington. Gorsuch insists, with Roberts’ concurrence, that the rule-makers weren’t likely thinking about many of the views of ‘swing’ that have become apparent over the years. But the limits of their imagination supply no reason to ignore the game’s demands.”
 
“What does that even mean?”
 
“I guess that means they’re calling balls and strikes, but imagining new meanings as we go.” 
 
“Bill, how can anybody play ball when the meaning of the rules changes with every play?”
 
“Hard to say, Jock, that’s for sure. OK, things have calmed down enough to restart, and now we have the Secretary of Homeland Security on the mound. It’s his Rescind-DACA curve … and oh, my, the batter steps away from the dish without asking for time as it drops right across the plate at the belt. This time I’m waiting for the call … and sure enough, Roberts says no play.”
 
“Now Trump is out of the dugout screeching at Roberts, from a proper social distance, of course. I’m dying to hear this one.”
 
“Here’s the league’s explanation. Roberts ruled that although the Democratic batter broke the rules by not asking for time before stepping out of the box, and although the Secretary delivered a legal pitch well within the strike zone, he didn’t follow the rules and request ‘time-in’ before the pitch and further relied on the rule that a pitch over the plate is a strike without sufficiently explaining before he delivered it his basis for believing it was a strike. So that therefore his insistence that the pitch is a strike is a ‘post-hoc rationalization.’”
 
“Wait. Was it a strike or wasn’t it?”
 
“Well, the Secretary is out of the game as well, and we have another reliever, the Health Secretary from the State of Louisiana. Here’s his pitch to uphold safety requirements on abortion clinics and it’s right on the corner at the knees, beautiful control. Sure enough, Roberts says it’s outside.”
 
“Wait a minute. Roberts saw that exact same pitch in his last game and called it a strike. What’s going on here?”
 
“Well, Roberts is saying that it is indeed a strike and he would have said so again, but other colleagues on the crew have in the past called it a ball and therefore, to uphold the integrity of the game and umpiring, he needed to call it a ball this time, too.”
​
“I have to say, Bill, that if that’s ‘calling balls and strikes,’ Abner Doubleday is rolling over in his grave.”
 
“Not to mention Jimmy Madison and Alex Hamilton, Jock.”