In Which (C)M Pre-Chronicles President Biden’s First Full Day in the Oval Office

“President Biden, Chief of Staff Obama is here to see you with CIA Director Rice for your first briefing. FBI Director Demings is with them.”
 
“Michelle, Susan, Val, c’mon in! What’s going on in the world?”
 
“Well, I picked off where my January 20, 2017 memo left off. We’re reopening the investigation of the Trump Administration’s ties to Russia. ‘All by the book, of course.’”
 
“We’ve already picked up Michael Flynn. Not to mention ‘The Donald,’ his whole Cabinet and anyone who worked for him. We’ve contacted the IRS and already got FBI teams combing through his tax records. We’ll be figuring out what the various charges are at any time.”
 
“Great work. Anything going on in the world I need to know about and prioritize? Russian bounties in Afghanistan? Chinese viruses?”
 
“Nah. But we are cleaning up all of the records of Hunter’s dealings with Burisma and China.”
 
“Excellent.  Michelle, who’s next?”  
 
“Secretary of State Omar.”
 
“Bring her in. Ilhan, how are you? What do you have to report?”
 
“To start, we’re putting the final touches on your new Middle East Peace Plan. We’re sending troops to repatriate all the Jews to Germany, Poland and Russia where they have such historic ties, and will be recognizing the new state of Palestine next week.” 
 
“Superb. Anything else?”
 
“Working on your state visits with President Rouhani to mark the resumption of the Iran nuclear deal and hand over some more pallets of cash, President Maduro to offer an official apology for sanctions and provide aid, and First Secretary Castro to resume relations and watch another baseball game.”
 
“That’s a pretty good first day’s effort. Congratulations and thanks. I see Attorney General Abrams next on my schedule. Stacey, are you there?”
 
“No, we’re connecting her by video link from Georgia.”
 
“Georgia? What are you doing down there?”
 
“I came down to clear up all the vote-tampering. We’ve locked up Brian Kemp for impersonating a governor and officially sworn me in as the real chief executive. I have a bunch of Executive Orders to sign and will officially resign tomorrow to take up my new job. But don’t worry, I’m getting a head start on that, too.”
 
“All ears.”
 
“We’ve drawn up several Executive Orders for you to issue today: defunding police and eliminating cash bail nationwide, and replacing police departments with Black Lives Matters commissions and squads of social workers. Mandating national mail-in ballots and vote harvesting. Confiscating all weapons down to butter knives. And generally declaring it to be a civil rights violation to hire a straight white male – or be one.”
 
“Wonderful job. I see Rashida Tlaib. What’cha got for me from Homeland Security?”
 
“I have a couple Executive Orders of my own. Heck with DACA – we’re declaring instant amnesty and a path to citizenship for all undocumented immigrants; no need for sanctuary cities. And eliminating ICE, Customs and Border Protection and the detention centers, and replacing crossings with Welcome Centers. I hear they’re serving cookies.”
 
“Dynamite. Is that Alexandria and Ayanna at the door?”
 
“At your service.”
 
“What’s going on at EPA?”
 
“Green New Deal… done deal.”
 
“That was fast.”
 
“Well, it’s been two years now since I said we only had 12 years left. So no time to lose. Wait till you see the solar-powered train and boat we’re offering to replace Air Force One. You’ll have to stop every few miles for recharging, but someone has to lead the way.”
 
“That would be me. Secretary of Free Stuff Pressley – what’s going down at the old HHS?”
 
“We’ve already gotten Congress to pass free college, the universal public option – in other words, free health care, which we all know will be Medicare for All when it drives out all private insurance – and free pre-K. If we ever re-open from corona.”
 
“We for sure can’t do that yet.  Do I have any other appointments?”
 
“Secretary of Indoctrination Hannah-Jones.”

“Nikole, you’ve got the Education Department name changed already?”
 
“You bet. And we’ve already gotten a letter out ordering every school and college to reinstate the Obama Administration policies mandating multi-sex bathrooms and locker rooms – not to mention gender-sensitive language – and presuming all male college students to be vile rapists. And of course, mailing out the 1619 Project curricula that will be required beginning this semester.”
 
“Fantastic. Hey, who’s that at the door?”
 
“Jill, can I come in yet?”
 
“No, Joe. Remember, honey, we talked about that. We really need you to stay down in the basement for our … I mean your … protection. It’s very dangerous out there. And put that muzzle … I mean mask … back on.”