(C)M Goes Inside the Mind of the President

I can’t believe it’s nearly the end of July, and I’m losing to that f’ing plagiarist vegetable moron, Joe Biden. 
 
“He read the directions from staff on a friggin’ notecard at a press conference… he doesn’t know where he is or who he’s talking to … he can’t finish a thought in interviews. All this from a guy who was a gaffe machine BEFORE he started going senile. And Fox News says people think I lack the mental soundness to be President?”
 
“He basically agreed with the concept of defunding police and called cops ‘the enemy.’ He said black people who don’t support him ‘ain’t black,’ and 10 to 15 percent of Americans are no good. We got him cold on framing Flynn.
 
“He let two Socialists and Fauxcohontas write his nutcase platform. He’s basically bought into the Green New Deal and Medicare-for-All, no matter how he’s whittled them around the edges. Free college, student-loan forgiveness, free preschool, you name it.
 
“Sleepy Joe’s never won anything, he’s a complete whack job, and so is his platform that three-quarters of Americans wouldn’t buy for a minute if they were in their right mind. 
 
“But Americans aren’t in their right minds. No one can get a handle on this f-ing Chinese virus, no one knows if they are going to be locked down again and whether they’re going to have a job in 10 minutes. Then on top of that, some cop puts his knee on a black repeat offender’s neck and there’s rioting in the streets, people don’t know what they’re allowed to say or what they’re allowed to like. 
 
“Voters are in a state of hysteria because these problems and anxieties are real, the media is whipping up that fear, the Democrats are capitalizing on it to stymie me at every turn, and they’re all turning around and telling voters to blame me. And it’s working.
 
“And my own government is piling on. I made donkey-eared Fauci a household name, and he repays me by dumping on me – not to mention that clown Redfield, his failed CDC and his mask fetish designed to embarrass me. In fact, that’s where my troubles started: I trusted Donkey Ears, Debbie Birx and their ridiculous numbers from that sanctimonious, duplicitous twit from Imperial. Their shutdown – supposedly 15 freaking days! – trashed my beautiful economy and beautiful job numbers, and empowered my enemies, and for what?
 
“We have more deaths than anywhere in the world – although I can 100% guarantee those numbers are cooked, I just can’t prove it – and the virus is supposedly still going crazy even though the death rate is falling. Which makes liberals and public health bureaucrats call for shutdowns everywhere again, with the fake news media echoing it as they update their hysterical coverage every five minutes.
 
“These blue state governors basically have the balance of power in their hands. Their lockdowns can keep a damper on recovery. They can keep me from having rallies. They can call for Democratic cheat fests in the form of mail-in voting and worse, vote-harvesting. The more we test, the more case numbers rise – although I think that’s fake news, too – and the more they can squeeze, and push for red states like Texas and Florida to do the same.
 
“I could have been the voice of reason in all this. We could have been Sweden. We could have kept the economy going, I could have been the one whose Justice Department was keeping state governors from lowering the hammer and depriving people of their rights to move around, make a living and go to church.
 
“But I went interventionist, and if Obama had done half of what I did – ignored the experts and shut down travel to China and Europe, gotten manufacturers to turn on a dime and produce PPE and ventilators, sent help to hots spots -- Chris Christie-types would be licking his feet on national TV and the media would be hailing him as a hero. 
 
“Now donkey-ears Fauci and the media are saying that friggin’ clown Cuomo is the one who handled the virus right! I sent him that friggin’ ship and build the Javits Center hospital, and he sends old people to their deaths in nursing homes and he’s the hero? If the whole nation had his state’s death rate per 100,000, we’d be over half a mil dead.
 
“The irony is, I want what the American people want: a strong and free economy with lots of jobs, a trade deal with China, order in the streets and this whole defunding nonsense brought to heel, the craziness in the Democratic platform prevented. This election should 100% be a referendum on a far-out platform and a far-gone candidate.
 
“But I’ve got the worst of all worlds – the economy still sucks, the virus is out of control, fixing either of them is out of my control, and the same Fox News poll says that’s what it’s all coming down to.
 
“I’m f-ed. Completely and totally f-ed, and only got one weapon left. Let’s see: what totally unrelated to anything, offensive Tweet can I post now?”

Photo Credit: Michael Vadon / CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0) (cropped)